Movement

I am moving to tumblr

WordPress is sorta difficult and I feel like it is time to begin a new chapter in my life. 

I will however continue to read your lovely blogs though.

And I may post on here sometimes.

But follow me on tumblr

http://kaitysamatey.tumblr.com/

http://kaitysamatey.tumblr.com/

http://kaitysamatey.tumblr.com/

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<3Kaity

Happy

Hey guys!!!

Sorry for my lack of posting.  I have been SO busy!

Me and my roomies cute little fridge :))))

I am actually LOVING college life. lol such a HUGE difference since my last post.

Essentials!

I DO NOT HAVE ANOREXIA AND ANOREXIA DOES NOT HAVE ME!

I'm stocked up to beat EDs voice

I have had ice cream every single night ! I have eaten white bread because no other is avaliable! I have eaten ENOUGH! I have eaten MORE than enough! I have been spontaneous and eaten candy at a movie! I have chewed gum! I’ve snacked and tried new things! !!! I HAVE NOT WEIGHED MYSELF IN WHO KNOWS HOW LONG! AND I DON’T WANT TO!

YUMMY breakfast :)

Im alive.

I feel it.

SNACK

The first couple days of actually meeting my calorie requirements were dark and scary.

Shelves :)

But as I kept/keep pushing through, I get stronger and stronger and BETTER.

NEW DRESS

Much of my self doubt is going away.  Im learning how to interact with others better.

MY FIRST! but not only :)

Seriously girlies (guys?) Anorexia sucks.  It kills your mind and your soul.  Its so over rated.  Who needs anorexia when you can be full of life and living!!! FOOD IS JUST FOOD! Once you begin eating enough, I have found that food obsession goes away! Its fantastic!!!

LUCILLE! my dad mailed me a baby guitar since I couldn't bring my big one :)

So join me in this celebration of life!! Join me in beating anorexia!! Join me in LETTING GO! Join me in being alive.

Lol I am still colouring in college. This was for my speech class.

This is as close to cooking as I get. Oatmeal with sprinkles

And I watch this while I enjoy my sprinkley oatmeal

I GO TO BEACHES WITH RANDOM PEOPLE :)

I was eating breakfast one morning and I turned around and saw none other than A LEMON TREE!!! yay!

I HAVE EATEN THIS MULTIPLE TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have a pet lizard who hangs out on my window. He is fully alive and comes and goes as he pleases. But I see him EVERYDAY! His name is Richard or Dick for short :)

 

All My Love
<3Kaity

No Thanks

Where have I been you ask?

I started

COLLEGE

and I hate it so far.

I feel so lonely. 

And dumb.

I mean, I wanted to go away so bad. I fought for it.  and I pushed for this. So why do I hate it so much?

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

I just feel so alone. I feel like theres no one here that understands me or enjoys my presence.  Im a person of few words.  I have a hard time making long conversations with people unless they’re about something Im passionate about.  I just don’t have a lot of words.  And Im fine with that.  But its like here, words are so important.  Like I feel like my worth is judged on my words. Which is so dumb.  I feel people getting bored of me as I talk.  I feel myself getting bored as I talk.  Im making up words and conversations about nothing. And im tired of it.  I just don’t know what to do.  I feel so pressured to make friends and fit into the mold and be accepted.  And its not working.  I am so homesick and I miss my mom so much.  I miss ED. I am sad to say that, but I truly do.  I miss my piano.  I miss my annoying dog and I miss my family.  I want to go home.  But I can’t back out.  Rather, I wont.  I don’t know why Im here, but I guess maybe God’s got me here for a reason.  I just wish I knew that reason.  Because right now, I hate it here and I hate myself and I don’t know what to do.  Im tired of sitting in my room hateing myself and feeling awkward. 

On the recovery front, Big things have happened.  I told my mom……And she didn’t freak out…Rather, She has been so helpful and so beneficial!  I’ve been telling her everything and she’s been helping me A TON!  But I miss all my safe food.  All the food here is gross and I’ve been existing off of cheerios, peanut butter, and turkey sandwiches.  I miss things like pumpkin, dried cherries, kashi, sunbutter, DCW, BLUEBERRIES!, watermelon, and veggi burgers!!!!!!

I want to go  home.

I feel like Im on the verge of a major relapse all the time. 

And Im afraid to admit that it doesn’t scare me.

Like maybe if I get thin enough, people will care and I can go home.

I guess thats all I have for now.

Sorry this is so negative.  I just need to get it out of me before it becomes a part of me. And also sorry I have not been commenting as much on your lovely blogs!! I have been reading though :)

P.S. I will have some pictures of college life thus far up REALLY SOON! hopefully

<3 Kaity

DISCOVERY

So as I was ever so casually peruseing my FB pictures, I came across this one and had to share it with you all.  It sparked a HUGE realization/discovery.

I WAS NEVER HUGE OR “TOO BIG” OR FAT

ED lied.

I actually look Healthy.

My body was beautiful. And I was freee.

Im going to get better. Im going to eat normal. Im going to eat enough. Im going to have days were I eat too much. And Im going to LIVE.

FUCK ED

Title, Turtle, Tide Pool

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!

Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime for ugly faces with Kaity!!! I think I enjoy taking pictures making ugly faces over taking smileing ones

I am beautiful when I make ugly faces.

I am beautiful with no make-up

I am beautiful with my hair un-done

I am beautiful in sweatpants and a t-shirt

I am beautiful 20 pounds heavier or 200 pounds heavier

I am beautiful when I eat

I am beautiful with unshavened legs

I am beautiful when Im sweaty

I am beautiful with boogers hanging out of my nose

I am beautiful WITHOUT ED

The only thing that can ever make me ugly are things that taint the soul.

I am ugly when I hate

I am ugly when I judge

I am ugly when I listen to ED

I am ugly when I undereat

I am ugly when I overexcercise

I am ugly when Im negative

I am ugly when I am self centered

ECSTACY! Snack of Kashi Crackers & Poet tree books!

Beauty is not how thin/small you can be.  Beauty is in forgetting about yourself and your body and loving and living!

How can I possibly truley live if I am not eating enough?

I can’t!!

Eating is beautiful.  Fueling my body properly so that I can live is absolutley beatiful.

Momma's birthday cake! That I so lovingly created : )

Theres so many people falling for the lie that they must eat less to be beautiful and enjoy life.  Its almost become a sort of trend.

SUUUUNFLOWERS

I deffinatly fell for it.  I saw all the other “big” people around me eating more & more & more and I wanted to be different.

So I started eating less

and less

and less

and less.

Did it make me unique?

Nope.  It made me just like all the other innocent individuals that fall into ED’s lies.

I also made a peach/blueberry pie for my dad!

Did it make me happier?

Not at all.  I’ve never felt so low.  Sure there were times that I got the “loseing weight high” when I stepped on the scale and found I lost another pound or two.  But thats not true happiness.  Thats ED getting pleasure and fueling him even more to become louder and louder in my head and drown my own voice out.

Did it make me more beautiful?

Quite the opposite.  It made me uglier.  ED made me snippy, crabby, upset, hateful, and judgemental.  Thats NOT beauty.  My eyes became dim and my body wasted away.  Only I couldn’t see it.

Last ice cream outing of the summer! This had SOOOOOo many sprinkles

ED is a liar.  Everything he promises is a complete LIE.

And I am done with it.

I officially declare myself un-anorexic.

I refuse ED.

I do however realize that anorexia is a serious mental illness.  And I know that I am going to have my struggles.

But I CHOOSE to get better. I CHOOSE to drown his nasty voice out.  I am choosing to try my absolute hardest to get my life back.

I did it!!! I added PB to my cereal!!! And it is one of the best things I've ever done

So what have I been up to lately you ask?

EATING

I have been eating like CRAZY lately!!!

beaaaaaaautiful summer watermelon

I decided to up my intake by A LOT.  Im talking like an extra huuuuuuuuuuge meal a lot.  At first it was really fun because lets face it, I like to eat! But as the days go on and on and on, its getting harder and harder.  My stomach isn’t used to this amount of food and hasn’t adjusted to it yet.  The urge to restrict is so freaking strong sometimes, but I will not give into it and I will continue to follow my mp :) or at least try my best that is.

Its funny.  In some ways I’ve digressed, but in others, Im moving forward.  I mean, Im counting calories again.  But last time I tried my hand at intuitive eating, I lost a couple of pounds.  I simply do not know how to eat enough!! So for the time being Im going to continue counting until my body becomes used to more food.

Yummmy dinner!! WW tortilla with various veggis and a laughing cow wedge + a Chobani with lotsa fruit!

Anyways… This week has been sorta stressful and busy. Why you ask?

Because I have been…

GETTING READY FOR COLLEGE!!!!!!!!

HUUGE pile of stuff to pack for college

I am so freaking excited! I am moving over 1,000 miles away from home!  It is going to be a huuuuuuuuuuuuge adventure and I am definitely ready for it.

But I am also nervous! Especially for the new food and the lack of a scale avaliable at my disposal.

But I think its going to be a very VERY good thing.

Night drives with my brother are zeeee best

Im just really really really afraid of the food. I mean, I am not in charge of preparing it.  I have NOOOOOO idea of the calorie content in it. So I guess maybe I wont be counting calories? lolol whoooo knows.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^I wrote all this a couple of days prior to today.

And

I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning…

I have gained about 5 pounds.

IN LIKE 5 DAYS!

Has this happened to any of you guys?

Its really frightening.

because all I hear ED say is “restrict, restrict, restrict” AHHHHh I have been doing soooooooooo well. But today has been so hard.  Now I know why everyone says recovery is a roller coaster.  Im TERRIFIED of weight gain.  I do not see the need to gain any weight considering Im not technically underweight. But I do not think that the weight I am at is necesarilly healthy for my body.

Regardless. I have to let go of control.  I have no freaking idea how to restore my mind, body, or soul from this.  But Jesus does.  And I need my God to fix this.

And He will in time : )

Well thats about all I have for now

I hope all of you lovely ladies (ahem, and gents?) are doing well!

ALL MY LOVE

<3Kaity

Epiphanies & Peanut Trees

Why Hello Loves

<3

Me and my brother :) <3

 I am back. And I officially declare today ANTI-ED DAY. I’ve had a good day! A very good day! I mean, I guess it didn’t start off all that great. 

But thats prolly because I chose to give in & listen to ED’s seductive voice….BUT anywho!

Today I had an appointment with my allergist.  So I woke up and had a … :( restrictive breakfast :( And then hopped in the car with my mom and headed for his office.  This wasn’t just any other kind of appointment however…this was an unintentional ANTI-ED appointment.

  You see, for the past 6 months or so I have been authorized by my allergist to avoid anything containing peanuts.  This obviously included peanut butter & this obviously made ED shout for joy. But today, in hand, my mom unknowingly carried a secret weapon with which I was to fight ED off with…PEANUT BUTTER. 

The appointment with my allergist was to re-introduce peanut butter back into my life & make sure I didn’t have any allergic reactions or anything.  So basically, I went to the doctor today to eat peanut butter. How lame does that sound?

As I sat across from this jar of peanuts/partially hydrogenated soybean oil goodness, I battled the beast within my mind...ED lost. Peanut butter is just to good to dislike!

I was forced to eat a couple spoonfulls of peanut butter and then left in silence for a couple of hours to see if anything happened.

So as I sat in in small & dank room in silence with my oblivous mother, I fought the battle of a lifetime within the confines of my mind.  And I won.

At first it was reallllllllllllllllllllllllllllllalallaly hard.  And I wasn’t doing too well.

I feel bad for my mother because I was so snippy and crabby!  Well actually ED was snippy and crabby.  I on the otherhand was somewhere else as ED possessed my mind. 

But as time wore on, I decided to let go and be free.

And it worked.

And I am not allergic to peanut butter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was purchased immediatly after my appointment was finished :)))) This stuff is just too good to listen to ED and "not like it" I LOVE IT!

Mostly. I mean I still had a sorta hard day.  Im not proud to say, but I counted calories today…But tomorow is a new day and I  plan to relinguish this control. 

Also, one thing that is really helping me latley is ANIMAL COLLECTIVE!

They’re music is so FREEE AND CRAZY AND WILD!!! And it makes me want to be freeeeeeeeeeee!  It reminds me that I have a soul and that Im a human and I was made to BE HAPPY AND FREE!

Without further Adieu I present to you,,,,ANIMAL COLLECTIVE! Listen and enjoy!

I.AM.IN.LOVE.

…..

Anyways
Im so tired of being confined and constrained to freaking ED.  He’s such a killer and a downer.  I want to dance and be wild and crazy and have Soul Jamboreeees!

And I will!!

I just looooooooooooooove summer foods! All fresh fruit/vegetables all mixed together to make one of the most wonderful salads I have ever had!! AH

ALSO!  I had a MAJOR EPIPHANY last night after my little breakdown!

I was talking to my bfffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff who also struggled/struggles with an ED, and we were both real down about life and everything in general.

BUT THEN…

It occured to me!

  I can still be broken and screwed up and struggling, BUT I CAN STILL BE HAPPY!

Happiness is after all what you make of it.  Happiness is a choice! This little HUGE realization has allowed me to BE HAPPY admist my struggle.

And I think that makes all the difference.

I hope all of you lovely ladies/gents are doing wonderful!!  I appreciate all of your support and feedback SOOOOO MUCH!

May you all love others and yourselves unconditionally always and all ways.

<3 Kaity

 

Non & None

Hello Beauties!

Its been quite awhile since my last post……I haven’t been doing too well as of latley and I don’t have a lot to say latley.  It seems like  as I fall into ED’s clutches, I lose my creativity & my ee-mage-in-a-shun. Which Sucks!! And the logical thing to do is run away from ED and “eat normally” (whatever that means).  But that is so hard to do.  And I don’t really know how to do it.  Also, its such a struggle for me because I have managed to hide this all from my family quite well.  But sometimes I wish I didn’t.  All I want is their compassion & their love.  But I know that all I would get is their mis-understanding & their anger.  And I don’t want that or need that.  I really need help.  But I don’t now where or how to get it.

I don’t even really know how to get better.  Because, I mean, I have been eating enough (and counting calories sadly :( ) but ED’s voice isn’t going away. It almost feels like its getting stronger.  & that scares me.  Food scares me.  Eating scares me.  My full tummy right now scares me.  The almost irresistible urge to throw up scares me. 

I want to throw up all the contents of my stomache

And

I want to throw up the loud voice of ED that is echoing in my head.

I guess I just have a lot to work on. 

Any Advice?

So with that I leave you lovelies for now.  Sorry this post is quite the downer, but I just have to be honest with you guys and myself

Best of whishes

Kaity