Monthly Archives: June 2010

Up, Down, Left, Right

The most beautiful sunset I am watching while writing this ๐Ÿ™‚

Why oh why can’t I just love my body the way that it is?

Why does one pound turn into one more pound?

Why can’t I just be content with my body the way it is?

Why is happiness promised if I lose one more pound?

Why do I strive for the outward while killing the inward?

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY

(one of those is more than likley mispelled lol)

My brother always goes on walks with me after dinner. This was todays adventure

This week has been very very up and very very down

One moment I am ready and willing to change the world!!

While the next I am only ready and willing to change my body.

I want to see beyond me and my body!!!!!!

I’d be lieing if I said I had a great week in terms of recovery, BUT I did have many victories!!! Each victory brought a little more of myself back ๐Ÿ™‚

Its growing!!!!

I feel like this week has been one of the hardest in awhile though.ย  I feel so lost.ย  I mean where am I? What am I doing here? Why can I choose to starve myself while another has no choice and must starve? That question kills me and haunts me and makes me want to get better as fast as I can so I can be used by God in any way possible to help heal the hurting world.ย 

A DEEELISH Sandwich on Pita bread!!! I believe it was turkey/swiss/jam/apples

Its so hard though because all I want is to get better!!!! But my body and my mind fight me.ย  I weighed myself on wednesday to see how I was doing with my intuitive eating & I was surprised to see that I lost a whole nother pound. This only fueled ED more and more but my soul was anything but thrilled.ย 

My first try at overnight oats. Outcome: Ick I didn't like. I had to microwavize them to swallow the rest

I feel like I’ve lost another peice of my soul.

I made my brother homemade pancakes! Slather in Homemade whipped cream! ONE DAY I WILLL EAT THESE TOO

I DO NOT AND WILL NOT RELAPSE!!!

This week I WILL:

  • NOT COUNT CALORIES!!!!!!
  • NOT WEIGH MYSELF OTHER THAN MY ONCE WEEKLY WEIGH IN
  • EAT DESSERT ONCE A DAY!!!!!!!!

I am going to get better because I am more than a conqueror through him who loves me! (Jesus of course : ) )

Mmmmm Fruit has been my best friend latley

ย 

Sorry everyone if this isn’t the most joyful & uplifting post everrr.ย  Hopefully next weeks will be more joyful though as I am going to try my absolute hardest to fight ED!! I AM READY!

Oh and P.S. THANKYOU all so much for your beautiful comments and encouraging words!!!! They helped me sooo much ๐Ÿ™‚

Nature astounds me latley

<3Kaity

Advertisements

Lights, Nights, & Knights

Hello Lovelys!!

Oh me oh my! it seems as if it has been so long since my last post!!

Thankyou all so much for your wonderful comments!! They helped me A TONN!!!

Mmmm lets seeee. Where do I even start!!! Well, last time I left you, my loves, I was on the road toย quitting calorie counting and weighing myself dailyย and although it has been SOOO HARD and I’ve fallen and listened to anorexiasaurus a couple of times, I am soo happy to say that I have been resisting with the help of Jesus.

And let me just say, I HAVE NEVER FELT SO ALIIIIIVE!!!

LIFE as evidenced from my doodles during church :):)

There is such a bright beautiful side to life once you come awake from the sleep of anorexia.

I have been conquering food challenges left and right through the help of my Valiant Knight, Jesus!

KEY LIME PIE! (in a throw away plate with a throw away fork at a family picnic)!! It twas soooo goood!

Meal I had at my grad party. YES THAT IS A REAL LIVE HOT DOG!

Cake at my grad party!!! STRAWLBERRY ๐Ÿ™‚ my favouuurite

๐Ÿ™‚ another piece of cake (I had two pieces of cake in one day ๐Ÿ™‚ AND I DIDNT DIE OR GAIN 93875384975 POUNDS OR ANYTHING ๐Ÿ™‚ I did however gain more life ๐Ÿ™‚

Such a good omlette! Made with 1 egg and a buncha egg whites, and then filled with cheeeeseee everywhere! and pumpkin and spaghetti sauce and other beautiful ingredients ๐Ÿ™‚

i ate this when i had absolutley no hunger but needed to eat otherwise i'd be obeying anorexiasaurus and killing myself. SOO I decided to eat High ENERGY and Low bulk. So I ate a fear food! I CONQUERED GRANOLAAAA!!! deelish ๐Ÿ™‚ i also had greeky yogurt and a sunbutter&pumpkin&jam tortilla wrap ๐Ÿ™‚ Oh all the life i recieved from this ๐Ÿ™‚

Kashi heart to heart is such a beautiful cereal <3All the edible hearts remind me that when I eat them I am loving my body and recieiving love to share with all ๐Ÿ™‚

DOES ANYONE ELSE LOVE MUSTARD AS MUCH AS I DO?! I COULD EAT THIS STUFF ON EVERYTHING LATLEY!

Mini blueberry lemon muffins ๐Ÿ™‚

Oatmeal conconction ๐Ÿ™‚ Ive let go of my kashi GLC and have been trying different breakfasts ๐Ÿ™‚ Its so freeing ๐Ÿ™‚

ย AND LOOK WHATS BEEN GROWING AS I HAVE BEEN GROWING!!

I planted a sunflower seed and it has been growing sooo much! It is currently 7.5 Inches tall!!

i made the cup its in ๐Ÿ™‚ day oneGaze upon its beauty!

Gaze upon its beauty!

Mmmmm and One more thing!! I just started my first REAL JOB! I work at a day care with the …toddlers…THEY ARE CRAAAAZY! But I LOOVE THEM! Needless to say, I have not had much energy left over to work out latley, soOOOOoo

I HAVE NOT WORKED OUT ALLL WEEK!!!!! AND I FEEL GREAT!!! My soul feels so joyful and jubilant!!ย  ๐Ÿ˜€

So I guess that is all I have for now

And with that I bid you much adeau โค

P.S. Tell Me what you guys think!? I am new to “blogging” and everything Soooo I guesss just tell me what you guys would like me to write about or whatever! I would LOOOOOOOVE any and all input ๐Ÿ™‚

<3333Kaity

S’more and More Joy

I FEEL SO AH-LIVE

I don’t know the last time I felt this human!!

I have such a joy deep within my spirit

everything is so lovely and so beautiful

And this is why:

I don’t exactly know what happened, but somehow something in me got serious about getting better and fighting

I decided to nix calorie counting

AND

forget the scale.

I relinquished my control & hold on nutrition and weight and calories into the hands of The almighty and Loving God of the universe.

I believe that God has created every human body and that he understands it & what it needs faaaaar beyond what I do.

And its strange, God created bodies to be healthy. When I listen to my body, I sometimes find that I am hungry because I need another snack.ย  Bodies know what to do if we would just listen to them!

The first step was very verrrry hard, and I will admit that I have fallen and counted calories a weee bit

BUT the vast majority of my eats have been uncounted andย  full of mental nutrition!! The best kind!

IT IS SO WORTH IT!!!!

aoie!!!htfn!gtsergtaoidjjt4eoi <Happy fingers ๐Ÿ™‚

I have noticed that I have more oppurtunity to love and embrace people when I don’t worry about myself

It is Fantastic โค

SOooooooo today, my lovely brother decided to have a smore, actually 4 s’mores. lol but as he was making it, I remembered that S’mores USED to be one of my absolutely favourite foods ever. So on a whim I decided to have one as well. I ate it and savoured it with thee biggest smile across my face ๐Ÿ™‚

What the picture lacks in quality was made up for in deee-lish-ee-ous-ness

And as I ate it this delicious confection my body was filled withย  un-needed empty calories, and my soul was filled with much needed healing calories :)It was magnificent and a HUGE step in getting better


Getting better is worth all the pain and all the stress that comes with it

โค Kaity

LOVE

I love this video. It makes me feel so ALIVE

Introduction 1.0

“Your fears climb up

Your spine like spiders

How can I show you

You have nothing to fear?”

I am afraid

Why am I so afraid?

I don’t exactly know how to get better

I don’t know how to get well

I know how to eat, but I don’t know how to actually get well. I don’t know how to get anorexia out of my mind.

It seems its stuck.

Why does food=fat in anorexia’s mind?

Why do I listen to anorexia when I know that food=fuel & food=fun.

How do I resurrect my true mind?

How do I resurrect my true self?

Where am I?

I need to find myself & I need to get well.

How do I do this?

The other day I ate a snack. A real, true, food, snack.ย  I felt so proud and so accomplished & I know it was a major step.ย  But that was last week.ย  And this is this week.

This week & cannot get myself to step off the scale. I cannot get myself to realize that I am more than a body. I am a soul WITH a body. My soul is more important than my body.

So why do I let my soul die just to see my body become nothing but bones?

What am I doing?

I will get well.

I will live

and breathe

and be.

I do not want rex any longer.

Sooooo.

Onto the eats:

This was quite a delightful lunch. It consisted of a sunbutter/pumpkin/jelly wrap, a Fage 2% with strawberries (SOOOGOOD), a couple baby carrots, and a mini graham crack + chocolate square ๐Ÿ™‚

This was also WONDERFUL! a frozen and then purred banana mixed with cinamon and vanilla extract and topped with coconut, some cherries, and some redi whip ๐Ÿ™‚

And one day I would LOVE to have the courage to consume one of these beautiful cupcakes

Thanks weheartit.com! ๐Ÿ™‚

<3Kate