Up, Down, Left, Right

The most beautiful sunset I am watching while writing this 🙂

Why oh why can’t I just love my body the way that it is?

Why does one pound turn into one more pound?

Why can’t I just be content with my body the way it is?

Why is happiness promised if I lose one more pound?

Why do I strive for the outward while killing the inward?

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY

(one of those is more than likley mispelled lol)

My brother always goes on walks with me after dinner. This was todays adventure

This week has been very very up and very very down

One moment I am ready and willing to change the world!!

While the next I am only ready and willing to change my body.

I want to see beyond me and my body!!!!!!

I’d be lieing if I said I had a great week in terms of recovery, BUT I did have many victories!!! Each victory brought a little more of myself back 🙂

Its growing!!!!

I feel like this week has been one of the hardest in awhile though.  I feel so lost.  I mean where am I? What am I doing here? Why can I choose to starve myself while another has no choice and must starve? That question kills me and haunts me and makes me want to get better as fast as I can so I can be used by God in any way possible to help heal the hurting world. 

A DEEELISH Sandwich on Pita bread!!! I believe it was turkey/swiss/jam/apples

Its so hard though because all I want is to get better!!!! But my body and my mind fight me.  I weighed myself on wednesday to see how I was doing with my intuitive eating & I was surprised to see that I lost a whole nother pound. This only fueled ED more and more but my soul was anything but thrilled. 

My first try at overnight oats. Outcome: Ick I didn't like. I had to microwavize them to swallow the rest

I feel like I’ve lost another peice of my soul.

I made my brother homemade pancakes! Slather in Homemade whipped cream! ONE DAY I WILLL EAT THESE TOO

I DO NOT AND WILL NOT RELAPSE!!!

This week I WILL:

  • NOT COUNT CALORIES!!!!!!
  • NOT WEIGH MYSELF OTHER THAN MY ONCE WEEKLY WEIGH IN
  • EAT DESSERT ONCE A DAY!!!!!!!!

I am going to get better because I am more than a conqueror through him who loves me! (Jesus of course : ) )

Mmmmm Fruit has been my best friend latley

 

Sorry everyone if this isn’t the most joyful & uplifting post everrr.  Hopefully next weeks will be more joyful though as I am going to try my absolute hardest to fight ED!! I AM READY!

Oh and P.S. THANKYOU all so much for your beautiful comments and encouraging words!!!! They helped me sooo much 🙂

Nature astounds me latley

<3Kaity

Advertisements

8 responses to “Up, Down, Left, Right

  1. Your brother’s such a sweeties to go for daily walks with you. I go for evening walks with Mum and I love it because it means mother-daughter bonding time. I don’t think my brother would relish the thought of going for walks with me every day although once in a while is still alright by him. Lol.

    Sorry to hear that this week has been a bit of a struggle. Keep your chin up, stick to your goals and keep your goal in sight so that you can be an instrument of God’s to reach out to so many of us who draw inspiration from you.

    I’ve thought a lot about those ‘why’ questions you posed, but maybe we need to stop asking why and just do. And pray that God will reveal to us slowly His divine plan for us. I know He definitely has something wonderful planned for you!

    Much love
    Nat xoxo

  2. dont forget girl – you aren’t the one fighting your ED… christ has ALREADY WON for you! he defeated the devil for you on the cross – you won already!

    when you feel defeated, remember – it’s not about how strong you are. you could never be strong enough… but CHRIST IS! tap into his strength. let him take care of it for you, ok love?

  3. I know how hard it can be when all you want to do is get better. You just have to remember it IS possible. Each and everyday is a choice. You make that conscious choice to say “I’m going to do this!” Yes, the fight is going to be soooo hard. And there are chances you’re not going to like it. But recovery is a long and hard road. But every step of the way we learn something. And on that road, life throws us opportunities we’d never thought might come our way. It’s really common to ask yourself “why?” But instead of constantly thinking “why”, live in the present. Live in the moment. Be mindful of where you are now. Think to yourself, “what can I do to make this situation better/more helpful?” You can’t change what has happened in the past. You learn from everything and you can only move forward and change what WILL happen. Stay strong! You are doing amazing and I’m really proud of you! Those pancakes look DELISH!
    I’ll leave you with one of my favorite quotes.

    “Victory is always possible for the person who refuses to stop fighting.” =D

    xoxo
    Megan

  4. Hello there, thanks for your comment the other day, I just noticed it now! I’m sorry this past week has been rough, but fighting the way you are can only make you stronger. Your goals for this week sound great- you’re definitely on your way to an ED-free life.

    I’ll be stopping back here often from now on! x

  5. Happy 4th Of July Weekend ❤
    Feel free to live it up- hang with friends, go out, be busy!
    Hope u have a good one & Have fun!
    -Chocolate Coated Runner

  6. squigglefloey

    So many of the things you said in this post are things that I keep telling myself. I feel like it’s much easier for me to talk, but a lot harder to put my words into actions.
    Hopefully by recognizing in others the strengths we have in ourselves, we can heal our bodies together.
    I really hope you have an amazing week doll 🙂

    Floey

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s