I am beautiful when I make ugly faces.
I am beautiful with no make-up
I am beautiful with my hair un-done
I am beautiful in sweatpants and a t-shirt
I am beautiful 20 pounds heavier or 200 pounds heavier
I am beautiful when I eat
I am beautiful with unshavened legs
I am beautiful when Im sweaty
I am beautiful with boogers hanging out of my nose
I am beautiful WITHOUT ED
The only thing that can ever make me ugly are things that taint the soul.
I am ugly when I hate
I am ugly when I judge
I am ugly when I listen to ED
I am ugly when I undereat
I am ugly when I overexcercise
I am ugly when Im negative
I am ugly when I am self centered
Beauty is not how thin/small you can be. Beauty is in forgetting about yourself and your body and loving and living!
How can I possibly truley live if I am not eating enough?
Eating is beautiful. Fueling my body properly so that I can live is absolutley beatiful.
Theres so many people falling for the lie that they must eat less to be beautiful and enjoy life. Its almost become a sort of trend.
I deffinatly fell for it. I saw all the other “big” people around me eating more & more & more and I wanted to be different.
So I started eating less
Did it make me unique?
Nope. It made me just like all the other innocent individuals that fall into ED’s lies.
Did it make me happier?
Not at all. I’ve never felt so low. Sure there were times that I got the “loseing weight high” when I stepped on the scale and found I lost another pound or two. But thats not true happiness. Thats ED getting pleasure and fueling him even more to become louder and louder in my head and drown my own voice out.
Did it make me more beautiful?
Quite the opposite. It made me uglier. ED made me snippy, crabby, upset, hateful, and judgemental. Thats NOT beauty. My eyes became dim and my body wasted away. Only I couldn’t see it.
ED is a liar. Everything he promises is a complete LIE.
And I am done with it.
I officially declare myself un-anorexic.
I refuse ED.
I do however realize that anorexia is a serious mental illness. And I know that I am going to have my struggles.
But I CHOOSE to get better. I CHOOSE to drown his nasty voice out. I am choosing to try my absolute hardest to get my life back.
So what have I been up to lately you ask?
I have been eating like CRAZY lately!!!
I decided to up my intake by A LOT. Im talking like an extra huuuuuuuuuuge meal a lot. At first it was really fun because lets face it, I like to eat! But as the days go on and on and on, its getting harder and harder. My stomach isn’t used to this amount of food and hasn’t adjusted to it yet. The urge to restrict is so freaking strong sometimes, but I will not give into it and I will continue to follow my mp 🙂 or at least try my best that is.
Its funny. In some ways I’ve digressed, but in others, Im moving forward. I mean, Im counting calories again. But last time I tried my hand at intuitive eating, I lost a couple of pounds. I simply do not know how to eat enough!! So for the time being Im going to continue counting until my body becomes used to more food.
Anyways… This week has been sorta stressful and busy. Why you ask?
Because I have been…
GETTING READY FOR COLLEGE!!!!!!!!
I am so freaking excited! I am moving over 1,000 miles away from home! It is going to be a huuuuuuuuuuuuge adventure and I am definitely ready for it.
But I am also nervous! Especially for the new food and the lack of a scale avaliable at my disposal.
But I think its going to be a very VERY good thing.
Im just really really really afraid of the food. I mean, I am not in charge of preparing it. I have NOOOOOO idea of the calorie content in it. So I guess maybe I wont be counting calories? lolol whoooo knows.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^I wrote all this a couple of days prior to today.
I made the mistake of weighing myself this morning…
I have gained about 5 pounds.
IN LIKE 5 DAYS!
Has this happened to any of you guys?
Its really frightening.
because all I hear ED say is “restrict, restrict, restrict” AHHHHh I have been doing soooooooooo well. But today has been so hard. Now I know why everyone says recovery is a roller coaster. Im TERRIFIED of weight gain. I do not see the need to gain any weight considering Im not technically underweight. But I do not think that the weight I am at is necesarilly healthy for my body.
Regardless. I have to let go of control. I have no freaking idea how to restore my mind, body, or soul from this. But Jesus does. And I need my God to fix this.
And He will in time : )
Well thats about all I have for now
I hope all of you lovely ladies (ahem, and gents?) are doing well!
ALL MY LOVE