Where have I been you ask?
and I hate it so far.
I feel so lonely.
I mean, I wanted to go away so bad. I fought for it. and I pushed for this. So why do I hate it so much?
I don’t know.
I really don’t know.
I just feel so alone. I feel like theres no one here that understands me or enjoys my presence. Im a person of few words. I have a hard time making long conversations with people unless they’re about something Im passionate about. I just don’t have a lot of words. And Im fine with that. But its like here, words are so important. Like I feel like my worth is judged on my words. Which is so dumb. I feel people getting bored of me as I talk. I feel myself getting bored as I talk. Im making up words and conversations about nothing. And im tired of it. I just don’t know what to do. I feel so pressured to make friends and fit into the mold and be accepted. And its not working. I am so homesick and I miss my mom so much. I miss ED. I am sad to say that, but I truly do. I miss my piano. I miss my annoying dog and I miss my family. I want to go home. But I can’t back out. Rather, I wont. I don’t know why Im here, but I guess maybe God’s got me here for a reason. I just wish I knew that reason. Because right now, I hate it here and I hate myself and I don’t know what to do. Im tired of sitting in my room hateing myself and feeling awkward.
On the recovery front, Big things have happened. I told my mom……And she didn’t freak out…Rather, She has been so helpful and so beneficial! I’ve been telling her everything and she’s been helping me A TON! But I miss all my safe food. All the food here is gross and I’ve been existing off of cheerios, peanut butter, and turkey sandwiches. I miss things like pumpkin, dried cherries, kashi, sunbutter, DCW, BLUEBERRIES!, watermelon, and veggi burgers!!!!!!
I want to go home.
I feel like Im on the verge of a major relapse all the time.
And Im afraid to admit that it doesn’t scare me.
Like maybe if I get thin enough, people will care and I can go home.
I guess thats all I have for now.
Sorry this is so negative. I just need to get it out of me before it becomes a part of me. And also sorry I have not been commenting as much on your lovely blogs!! I have been reading though 🙂
P.S. I will have some pictures of college life thus far up REALLY SOON! hopefully