No Thanks

Where have I been you ask?

I started


and I hate it so far.

I feel so lonely. 

And dumb.

I mean, I wanted to go away so bad. I fought for it.  and I pushed for this. So why do I hate it so much?

I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

I just feel so alone. I feel like theres no one here that understands me or enjoys my presence.  Im a person of few words.  I have a hard time making long conversations with people unless they’re about something Im passionate about.  I just don’t have a lot of words.  And Im fine with that.  But its like here, words are so important.  Like I feel like my worth is judged on my words. Which is so dumb.  I feel people getting bored of me as I talk.  I feel myself getting bored as I talk.  Im making up words and conversations about nothing. And im tired of it.  I just don’t know what to do.  I feel so pressured to make friends and fit into the mold and be accepted.  And its not working.  I am so homesick and I miss my mom so much.  I miss ED. I am sad to say that, but I truly do.  I miss my piano.  I miss my annoying dog and I miss my family.  I want to go home.  But I can’t back out.  Rather, I wont.  I don’t know why Im here, but I guess maybe God’s got me here for a reason.  I just wish I knew that reason.  Because right now, I hate it here and I hate myself and I don’t know what to do.  Im tired of sitting in my room hateing myself and feeling awkward. 

On the recovery front, Big things have happened.  I told my mom……And she didn’t freak out…Rather, She has been so helpful and so beneficial!  I’ve been telling her everything and she’s been helping me A TON!  But I miss all my safe food.  All the food here is gross and I’ve been existing off of cheerios, peanut butter, and turkey sandwiches.  I miss things like pumpkin, dried cherries, kashi, sunbutter, DCW, BLUEBERRIES!, watermelon, and veggi burgers!!!!!!

I want to go  home.

I feel like Im on the verge of a major relapse all the time. 

And Im afraid to admit that it doesn’t scare me.

Like maybe if I get thin enough, people will care and I can go home.

I guess thats all I have for now.

Sorry this is so negative.  I just need to get it out of me before it becomes a part of me. And also sorry I have not been commenting as much on your lovely blogs!! I have been reading though 🙂

P.S. I will have some pictures of college life thus far up REALLY SOON! hopefully

❤ Kaity


9 responses to “No Thanks

  1. Hey girl, sorry to read you´re not feeling well at the moment. When I went to uni five years ago, I experienced the exact same thing you´re going through right now. I tried eagerly to fit in. Looking back, I know I should have stayed true to myself instead of trying to make friends at any cost. I was sooo unhappy! Eventually I dropped out of uni after three years b/c I couldn´t bear the situation any longer. After two years of jobbing I´m starting at a new school this fall and am totally excited about it. This time I´m going to study the topic I love, instead of trying to make something fit, which just isn´t for me.

    What I´m trying to say is, listen to your heart, be true to yourself and eventually you will find the school and study of your dreams and people who feel and think alike!

    xoxo Mel

  2. Aw girly I’m so sorry college isn’t shaping up to what you imagined it to be. But you know what? Going back to your ED will only make things worse. I’m sure you remember that as you get deeper and deeper into restricting you start to isolate yourself more and more… so you’d be even more lonely than you are right now.

    So how about you try to be yourself instead? I know you said you feel like you bore people when you talk, but I’m sure that’s all in your head! Or you could try and find a club at school where there might be more people like you… and if necessary, you can always transfer to a better school.

    Keep your chin up love. Times like this really test how strong we are in terms of recovery, but I know you can pull through! x

  3. Ugh I’m sorry you hate it at school. I hate it at school too, but I’m not exactly in college yet. When I went to camp (they are all at universities) it was AWFUL because of the food. The horrid food choices there are SO DAMN TRIGGERING. I know what you mean by “surviving” off of like 2 food groups. For me, it was the organic PB that I brought, apples, bananas, Larabars that I brought, turkey slices and spinach. ALL of their breads there were either white bread or “made with whole grain” which means there really isn’t any “whole grain” in there. There was no 100% whole grain anything.

    I’m sorry that it’s like that for you. Dorm food sucks big time, but it’s better than NO FOOD. You feel depressed now, but you will feel so much worse if you revert to Anorexia. Anorexia gives you nothing. Thin, maybe, but illness beyond anything. Your hair and bones and skin and organs — they all suffer so much. Even worse, you suffer so much mentally. You know how it feels to be in that place, so don’t let Anorexia take anything from you and fool you into believing that you don’t have what it takes. You DO. And you can work through this. It takes time to adjust for everyone, and it’s only been a week! The social part will come, you just must be yourself. Be true to yourself and your health. Once you feel more comfortable, it will be easier.

    Good luck, love!

  4. Hey!
    I’m so, so sorry to hear you haven’t been having a good time in college. Please take care of yourself sweetie, and don’t go to ED for help. He’s got nothing to to offer; and I’m sure that deep down inside you know that.

    As for the people, be patient! I’m sure you’ll find someone you feel comfortable around, but you need to try. Don’t force yourself to fit in with a group of people you want nothing to do with, and don’t feel like people are getting bored of you. Sometimes it’s just all in our minds! After my ED, my social skills just disappeared, and I felt like I was forcing myself to talk and laugh- totally not cool. It just takes some getting used to…and I promise that in time it will all get better. Personal experience told me so 🙂

    Hope you feel better soon!
    Paola ❤

  5. hi dear,
    i am so proud for being hoenst with your family. i think that’s the first and most important step to show that you want recovery– they will be your biggest allies and support network. i promise.

    is this your first year at college? it’s scary at first. i remember calling home and crying for the first 6 weeks. but you meet people, you join clubs, you become fascinated with crazy professors and your studies– and you live!

    tomorrow is the start of a new week– let’s make it count!

    happy sunday dear 🙂

  6. I am sorry that you’re having a bad time dear! I had a hard time adapting too, but that’s always like this with new situation, specially stressful college stuff.
    But you know, you’ll adapt soon, and it will all become normal.
    It’s ok to miss your family and everything, but consider this a new opportunity in life, it will be so much fun and you’ll experience so much great stuff.
    Just take care of yourself, and don’t let Ed get you. Because right now you need to be strong, you need to give love to yourself, love and nourishment.
    So please, take care of yourself, and stay strong and optimistic, you can do it, I know you can!

  7. hang in there love! i know how hard and stressful college can be. you need to do what’s best for you and what YOU want to do. whether that means going home or sticking it out for a little longer do what’s going to be best for your health and most of all do what’s going to make you happy.

    if things aren’t so good ed wise, just will ALWAYS be there, but your health won’t. take care of YOU!

    thinking of you!
    Megan ❤

  8. My beautiful girl, thank you so much for your encouraging words on my last post. It meant so much to me.

    I’m so sorry that college isn’t working out ideally for you, but I want you to know that regardless of how it appears, a lot of people on your campus feel the same way! This happens to so many people. And there are lots of girls out there who are fighting recovery and ED and all that and you can’t tell, but they want all the same things that you do.

    Can you join a support group at school? That could be really helpful.

    It DOES get better though, I promise! It can take a lot of time, though. I was so unhappy at school until about halfway through my sophomore year, which felt like forever. But I’ve learned so much about myself and people in the past year or so that it’s been completely worth it. I am so much stronger for it. And you will be too, honey ❤

  9. It will get better girl, I promise. I felt like I didn’t have friends at college for nearly three months before I finally found my niche. Be your wonderful self and I promise you will fit right in 🙂
    Also, I totally hear you on the ED front. If you ever need someone to talk to, hit me up. ❤

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